Christmas was really relaxing this year. It felt quiet, yet everyone was in a happy good stress-free space. We were missing a few Chordas kids and Pablo. But the fun still went on. I brought over the vodka my co-worker Linda gave me and pretty much everyone had at least one shot, some of us had more. As I put it....
"This Stoli is the best vodka ever. It is so smooth. You feel drunk but you never get sick. It is like magic."
As my dad put it...."At costco you can buy a gallon of it! Next time I see it I will get it."
As my mom put it... "I don't like hard alcohol, but this is really good."
My family. We are not alcoholics. We are just Russian. And we like a good time.
Christmas was a good time. It was happy. There was lots of love. Everyone was more than generous with their gift giving. I got rasta shoes.
I received many, many costa rica books. We are buying tickets this week. And let the travel planning begin! I can't wait for the adventure to begin. It will be so cool. All the animals. The exploding volcanoes. Baby sea turtle season. Seriously, I can't wait.
Now we are off to Mendocino for mushroom hunting. Hopefully it will turn out well.
I hope everyone had wonderful Christmas' with their family. Filled with lots of love, because Family is the most important thing.

Last night was my 5 yr high school reunion. It was a fun time at Sudwerks. The only disappointing thing was the beer was bottled. They didn't serve it from the tap. What's up with that? Oh well. I still had my beers and a good time. It was good to see people I have not seen since high school. And at the same time there were so many people that were still the same person and there were so many people I didn't even know. I really didn't know a lot of people in high school. Where was I? Sheesh. It was still a fun party. I mean if there is a party and I was there...of course it had to be fun :P

Tonight another Chordas tradition...with russian vodka...a happy christmas for sure.

Lots of pictures to come.

Today was my last day working my office job at the city. It really was bitter sweet. How I am going to enjoy not having to wake up at 6am any more. How I will enjoy not staring at a computer for 8 hours a day. But there is so much I will miss....
The stress-free life of not being in grad school
working for the best boss ever
laughing with my co-workers about all our inside jokes
spending 8 hours with people that became some of my best friends
I never felt so sad leaving a job in my life.

The dept. took me out to lunch this week and gave me presents that were ALL brown. They always joke how I wear brown everyday...so they gave me a brown city sweatshirt. Seriously I left real quick today. I couldn't day bye to anyone. Otherwise I would have cried. Sometimes it kills me that I just gave up an amazing job I worked so hard to get. I really did. Now I feel like I am back at stage one, but sometimes it seems like it is worse than after undergrad stage one. Who will hire me with a masters? I won't have a phd so all the teaching jobs will go to them. I won't be able to get an office job, because I will require more of a salary than someone with just a BA. Pretty much I am scared of the in-between situation I will be in after my masters. I know better than to think I will live off a published book.

And grad school is so stressful. I got my grads and I did amazingly well. Two A's and a B+. Yet I am not as excited as I thought I would be. Maybe I am too hard on myself. But this qrt I started off so excited and I really did end discouraged. And even though I got good grades I still feel discouraged and I can't figure out why. I never felt like this in school before.

I'm going to miss my job where I only felt encouragement and laughter.

My baby sister is in Africa
My brother is in Hawaii
I dream of traveling to Jamaica. No London. No Greece
I feel deprived in this small town Davis. I am excited for the holidays, even though it will be lonely without my two siblings.
I finished my qrt. I have been working and dreaming of traveling.
This weekend I have my high school reunion. It should be interesting.
I wish we all had money to just travel.
I still can't believe Ana is in Africa and can't imagine everything she is seeing and experiencing. A trip of a lifetime. What a lucky kid.
I want African food now...
Off to find dinner

Last week of my first quarter as a graduate student.

School is killing me. I think tonight will be an all nighter. I have figured out why grad. school is so much harder. In undergraduate I learned the manipulation of bullshitting. I learned to bullshit well and creatively.

There is no bullshitting in grad school.

The creative part is ok. But the theory and criticism part is killing me.

I just finished reading Lolita today. I am making a project on the book Lolita. The project part is fun. But I don't know how to tie it into theory and process. I am making a mobile with multiple layers to represent the nyphness of girls.

Nabokov is an amazing author. The games he plays with language and metaphors completely blows me away. And it is sad to think I never picked up the book in the past just because of the content. Who cares about the content. That man is a mastermind writer.

Class at Pam Houston's house tonight.
Then the Lolita project.
And then my research paper: Comedy and Court Dispositions as Genre in the 16th century.

These past two weeks have been the most insane days of my whole life. Seriously. I have never thought school could push you as hard as it kicked my butt. I don't think anyone could understand if I tried telling them what it feels like. But lets just say in the past 14 days I have typed 30 pages (20 being critical research and 10 being a story) and I have read 481 pages of mostly theory articles. Yesterday everything was due. I felt so amazing last night. I came home and had the much needed beer and then crashed. I hope I did ok. Nothing gets graded. They don't believe in grading our work, only our overall performance at the end. So I won't know how I did for awhile.
But I am done for now....whoot whoot.
This last weekend we went back to mendocino for more mushrooms. We found more than ever and ate mushroom pasta, mushroom sauce, fried mushrooms, mushroom jerky for days. No one died or got sick. so we found the right stuff

Tonight I am going with my city co-workers for a drink because today was Linda's (coworker) last day of her radiation.
The Killers have come out with their new album and I am in love. Their music only gets better and better. I am super excited.

Turning 24 felt like I was living in one of my favorite stories that I didn't want to end. Mendocino was everything I imagined it to be and more. The weather was perfect, I could sleep in a cozy bed and eat yummy breakfast. I could just sit on the beach and read or play with my mendo dog. I went shopping and had a wonderful dinner with the best desert in my life. But best of all I went mushroom hunting. And for once in my life I was lucky. I came out with about $40 worth of chanterelles. This was the first time I went and I have to say it is one of my new favorite hobbies. I could now understand my parents ultimate excitement. It is like a scavenger hunt by nature. And when you find a little secret spot you get adrenaline and excitement all at once. I brought them home to my parents who went crazy. I felt so happy that they were so proud of me. Mushroom hunting is like a secret off the marked trail that you will always remember.

Caroline came to Davis on Friday and took me out to yummy Indian food lunch. My coworkers at the city brought me a birthday cake yesterday and then took me out to dinner last night. It was so fun. They bought me a gift certificate for a massage. I have never had one before. I am really excited. Really. I had such a good Birthday and I felt so lucky to have so many people that cared about me. The only bad thing was homework. I got none done and loosing a weekend puts me behind. But hey you only have a birthday once a year.

When I was in Mendocino I went by Claire's cabin. The place we used to stay at for free only to find it is on sale. If only I had a million dollars I would buy that place. It is so special to my family and there are so many good memories that live inside the walls of that old cabin. It would be amazing if I could fall upon money. I would go straight to mendocino and buy that place.

Yesterday I took Jaime for a walk on the ditch. It was the first time I walked there since the whole Pablo incident. It was like reliving that last walk that could be the one that cost him his life. The path is all dried dirt now. I found myself wondering if any of the mud dried paw prints were his. I remembered everywhere he ran off the trail and everywhere he smelled. I missed him again. My dad said mourning a dog is a lot harder than mourning a human in many ways. A dog is there to see you everyday. It is there to experience untold moments that many humans never even get to hear about. Sometimes I think it is silly to mourn a dog more than any person that ever died, but then I rewalk the walk, I see the dried pawprints, I hear Pablo barking after Kuma, and I see Jaime watching/learning everything. Then I think about memory. How this walk will forever be a slow motion time capsule to me, because it was the last walk. If he was alive still. That walk would be a memory lost/merged into the many walks. It would be a walk that I would have forgotten in a few months.

It is like we live a life we have no control over. Not even the memories. It is like we are characters in a story that someone is writing. We are alive only because our story is being read. My first grad. story is being read and workshopped tomorrow. I hope people will laugh. I want people to read my stuff and not only be perplexed about awkward situations that can be humorous.

Back to studying.

School has been keeping me busy. On my toes. It really is the most challenging thing I have done in my life. But I enjoy every bit of it. Today I have my first presentation. It is on prostitution in 16th century English Literature. I like to keep it entertaining. Always choosing the fun topics. I am nervous and excited all at the same time. I have gotten sick, so my voice is lingering on becoming lost. I have one of the worst colds I have ever gotten. Theraflu is amazing at night time though.

Tomorrow I am going to teach an undergraduate class. I am nervous about this too. My friend and fellow grad. student is going out of town and needs someone to sub her undergrad creative writing class. She asked me. So tomorrow I will be professor chordas for the night. I hope all of those nightmare stories I have concocted in my head don't materialize into life.

This weekend I am turning 24. I liked being 23. I think I like odd ages better, but I have a feeling 24 will be good. I am going to Mendocino for the weekend and am pretty happy about that. I need to just get out and relax. Plus spending my Birthday in Mendocino is the best imaginable wish i could ask for.

This past weekend I went to Caroline's bridal shower. It was a fun party and I am so excited for her wedding. Katie also told me she is engaged. All my friends are getting married. It makes me think about marriage more. I have my dream beach wedding in my head. A wedding in Mendocino and a barefoot reception on the beach. A big Chordas party. But then I think what would be different in life if I was married? Married life doesn't really bring you anything that you cannot have without it. Except memories of an awesome party of course. I am excited for my friends though and am looking forward to the weddings to come.

I went to a Halloween party this past weekend. That was fun, but I was sick so I couldn't let loose as much as I wanted too. But it was a good time with my fellow grad students.

Pablo died last night. It has been a round night and day. I cannot even focus on the stacks of homework I have. It is so much harder than I thought. No one even expected this. He was not sick. Out of all the dogs I always thought he would be last. I just took him the beach, then putah creek, and the greenbelt. The last month of his life I spent every weekend with him. I was so amazed that he would outdo Jaime endurance-wise for being 11. I loved him so much. He was such a part of our family and could really understand people more than any other dog. I only wish jaime can live up to what pablo was.

He really was the best dog ever. Life just isn't fair. It is so hard. I am glad I was able to visit him everyday for the past week in the ICU. I hope he wasn't scared and alone when his heart stopped.

we went and visited him at 6pm last night and then got the call at 8pm that he died. we brought him his frisbe yesterday and I told him we love him and can't wait for him to come home.

Then he is just gone. forever. Only a memory that becomes more distant as time goes on.

It's been a tough few days. My parents' border collie is in the ER trying to pull through. It feels like losing a sibling. I grew up with that guy.

For my theory class we have been studying format of fairytales. I had a dream last night where I met with Walt Disney. He told me I need to consider taking a public speaking class. Odd dreams happen when you study fiction....

Here is the email I sent to my dog trainer and classmates about Pablo:

I wanted to let you all know about a disease called leptospirosis.
The weekend before last (8days ago) I took my parents' border
collie/aussie, Pablo, and my puppy Jaime for a walk on the north davis
greenbelt. For those of you who walk the greenbelt, if you walk all
the way north there is a "ditch" where dogs can run and play.
I walked the two dogs down there and they ran through the water and
played. At the beginning of last week Jaime started picking at his
food and sleeping more. This was not like Jaime. After Dolores sent
the article about the recalled treats I thought that might be it. I
took Jaime into the vet and after blood tests that showed nothing
wrong, he seemed to get better on his own.

this last Sunday, my parents' border collie mix became really ill. He
showed the same symptoms as Jaime, but more sever: He refused water,
food, or to get up to go to the bathroom. Yesterday, they immediately
took him in to UC Davis and he was diagnosed with kidney and liver
failure. He currently is on an IV with antibiotics. He has not shown
any improvement in the past 24 hours, but we are still hoping our boy
will pull through.

The vet is almost positive it is a disease called Laptospirosis. It is
something that dogs pick up from standing water, like the water at the
ditch. I wanted to tell you all, if you walk there, not to let your
dogs in the water there. There also is a vaccination that you can get,
but is not usually given. I highly recommend this for your dogs. You
can read more about this disease at this site:
http://www.peteducation.com/article.cfm?cls=2&cat=1556&articleid=454

Pablo is our family miracle dog. When he was 4 years old he was hit by
a car and dragged to a dumpster. A wonderful citizen found him, days
later, and took him to UCD. He fought through an intense surgery that
saved his leg and his life. 7 years ago, when Dolores had the Cultured
Canine store in downtown Davis, she helped raise money to pay for his
surgery at ucd. With four screws in his leg, Pablo has brought joy to
our family for the past 11 years. He loved Dolores' agility classes
and camping in the wilderness. We hope this will be a second miracle
and our Pablo will pull through.

Hug your dogs and please stay away from standing water.

This weekend I went to a grad. party. It was on stonegate lake. It was seriously one of the best parties ever. I have never felt so comfortable at a party. I was dancing and realizing, you know, this feels right. Kegs on stonegate lake, creative writers, good food, and ecology phd students. It all worked itself into an amazing night.

I love grad school.

The moments in undergrad that I liked best is what ALL of grad school consists of. I honestly could not be happier than I am now. I love school so much and never want it to end. I know it just started, but this is what life is about.

Screw working 8-5. Seriously, I know this is what I love. This is where I want to be. Grad school is harder than hell and half the stuff I heard today was over my head, but this is where I want to invest my energy and this is what I want to wrap my thoughts around.

Today was a perfect day. A long day. A draining day. I am getting sick, but the sickness was enveloped with passion.

today is one of the best days of my life.

This morning I had butterflies thumping in my stomach. The conference that I have been organizing for the past few weeks was to take place. Not only was everything on my shoulders, but this was a conference for professors.

Not only did my butterflies fly for the conference, but I am worried sick about my Bunia. We think her cancer has returned. Today she went to see the dr. then she will probably be referred. I took her to lunch yesterday and she told me how everyday she is stressed and she can't stand my cousins loud metal music all day long anymore. If she does have cancer I am so worried she is not strong enough to fight it. Her immunity is down because of her stress. I hate to think that she might be sick. Out of everyone she deserves to live so much longer and not live in a life full of stress with my mental cousin.

The conference went wonderfully, as planned with no mishaps. I felt like a student for the first time in over a year. I read a play, did homework, went to my office, ran into Jodi on campus, and made sure the conference was running smoothly. I dreaded the day ending because I don't want to return to the 8-5 shift tomorrow at the city. I really am a student and not someone who can sit at an office all day.

I am dreading to make the call. To find out how the dr. apt. went. My Bunia was on my mind all day. I was on campus being a student, doing what I love most of all, and I kept feeling for her and how she has to sit at a home with people she doesn't want to be around.

The weekend came and went. Palina moved away. It was harder than I thought. I am so excited for her. I am so happy she moved into the dorms so she can get the true college experience, but it feels lonely already. My family is seriously the most important thing to me and ever since I moved back to Davis from Santa Cruz Palina and I really became close. I know we have had our rough times and I was the unfair older sister at times, but over the years she is the closest sibling to me.

For the first time in my life I feel like I am growing up. For the longest time I felt like I was holding on to youth. Yes I got a college degree, Birthdays passed, I moved from home, and found a full time job, but it still felt comfortable. I always felt my childhood, my memories, my family was always just a block away. Now that Palina moved away for the first time it hit me. We are getting older. Going home will feel more empty. My parents will feel older. Everything feels more like the past.

I think it will be easier to move away now. It still won't be easy. But for some reason until now, I felt like I was not done with Davis, my family, and mostly building and fixing the relationship I had with Palina. These past four years have really made up for it all though. We still have so much ahead of us and so much we have to do. but this feels like a big step.

Today I was so tired with my office job. I felt like everything in my life had to change. During lunch I walked across the street to campus and sat in my new office in the english department for the first time. I know. A whole block. But it felt like a change. I sat at my new desk, zoned out, and ate coffee house food. It felt like time was changing. It was hard to drag myself back to my city desk.

I seriously cannot stop thinking about how cool college will be for Palina. I hope she lives it to the best of her abilities: studies hard, makes connections, and has fun, fun fun. College was the best time of my life. If I could go back I would repeat it over and over again. Each time at a different universities that is :) I am jealous she is just starting her college years and I cannot wait to visit her.

There are mornings I wake up and all I crave is a dunkin donut. I wonder why they would never work on the west coast. Probably, because here we have Starbucks on every corner. Oh, what I would do for a pumpkin donut this morning. If only they could ship them.

I am almost back to my old self. I can tell, because Jaime's good behavior is returning and the weather is getting cooler. Being sick was no fun. For the most part. The good thing about being sick is that I could sit in bed all day and read the whole last book of Harry Potter. I felt like all the kids who got it at midnight and pulled an all nighter to read the last bit of magic from JK Rowling. The only difference was that I got paid sick time to sit and bed and read with a fever.

When I am sick it is almost impossible to kill time on the computer or TV. Which is a good thing. It forced me to read. It reminded me how much I love and need to read more. Our lives depend on too much TV and internet. I am guilty of it, as much as I don't agree with it. I go to work 8-5, come home, think I will watch one show on the telly, and than hours later I drag myself to bed only to repeat the same thing the next day. What kind of life is that? This past week I have been coming home and reading instead of gluing myself to a screen. It makes me feel better. Somehow there is no remorse when you loose your time in the pages of a book. It only reiterates to me, that I want to create that magic for people to read.

Everyone at the city now know I am going back to grad school. They are all so sad, but tell me I will owe them a signed copy of my first book. One coworker told me she knew I wouldn't last long at an office job, because I am smarter than that. It just made me feel good. Knowing I have that support and faith that I can do this. And I am choosing to do the right thing. I cannot wait till school starts. I am on fire and ready to indulge in reading and writing.

The heat this past week has made up for the mild Davis summer we have had this year. Jaime has been unruly. He wants to sleep all day, because it is over 100 degrees outside. Then when it is cool in the evening he barks non-stop and is eating everything possible: flip flops, pens, Lisa's expensive heels, tennis balls. EVERYTHING. I try to take him outside but he is too hot to walk and it defeats the purpose.

On top of that I got the flu on my three day weekend. Having a fever during a heat storm is my version of personal hell. Today I called in sick. Decided to rest and get better. These past few days I have been experiencing mirages of the cooler north east coast.

I was contacted by a professor this last week with another job offer. She is the director of the university writing program. She said she saw my file and received a personal recommendation from one of my undergraduate professor's. I went in and met her. She offered me an office, $23 hr pay, and a job working with faculty across departments(My mind twirled with the possibility of multiple university connections). The job is 10 hours a week. Flexible. I set my own hours. Pretty much I am the student PR for conferences. I will be the one making copies, registering faculty, taking care of catering, and the such. I accepted the offer. I am really excited. The first conference I am organizing is on September 24th.

This job came at the perfect opportunity. City of Davis said I have no choice but to resign from permanent employee status. My supervisor was trying not to cry, because she does not want to loose me. But due to the politics there is no way they can add another 50% person. I wrote my first letter of resignation and kissed my benefits goodbye. I got teary eyed too, but at the same time it was such a big relief. I hate making decisions. If I had to choose between the city and the university it would kill me. I like it better when decisions are made for me, even when they are difficult. I will be still working at the city. Picking up extra hours as a temp. when needed. This way I don't loose my connections there. Just in case. My parents are going to kill me that I gave up my benefits. I have not told them yet. But I am only 23. I have a lifetime ahead of me and tons of opportunities. I feel like this is the right hand to play at the perfect time.

It is funny how as soon as I stop stressing about life and let go of some control, everything falls in place. I am a strong believer in letting fate, karma, whatever you want to call it take control. Even though it is hard to just "go with the flow" I always seem to have things dropped in my lap when I am not pushing, pushing, pushing. Look at grad school for example. When I wanted it most I was rejected. Then when I reapplied and let go of the thought: "If I don't get this I will die," it happened. And it happened better with the 2nd time around. Look at all of these job offers. I am just learning, as I get older, that I need to keep working hard but stop stressing, stop trying to control everything...it all will happen. I will be rewarded for my hard work. I just need to breath, let go, and wait the for the opportunities to come to me.

I came back from Boston and I cannot stop thinking about the place. Everything here suddenly feels dull. In the past when I ever go on vacation I come home to Davis and I feel reassured that my life is where it needs to be and I am living where I am most content. This time it was different.

For the first time in my life I think I found where I need to move. It was be harder than hell to move from California. And even to the furthest state possible from California and my family. But I think it is an adventure that needs to happen.


I need to move at least once more in my life. More so than Boston I fell in love with Cambridge. It's old brick buildings, the smart people everywhere, old Londonish pubs that don't card anyone, bookstores that are multiple stories tall and you could loose a day in. And Harvard. My god. Harvard took my breath away. I wish I was smart enough to go to the best University in the world. I told Lisa I will work there one day. Even if it is a janitor. I am going to move to Cambridge and work in Harvard. This is my dream. I better get damn good grades in grad school and make the right connections.

Boston was a beautiful city. It was the cleanest city I have ever been too. And the most friendly. I found all these local joints to go to on yelp. The places down the beaten path away from tourists. Everyone was like family there. Everyone hugs, laughs, and drinks. It is the place that I have always been looking for. I didn't even miss my family, because I felt like I found it there.

Lisa and I did all the historical things. Took a train to Concord. Ate Dunkin Donuts every morning (They are on every corner like we have starbucks). Ate pretty much the whole trip. Went to a street party in the North End. Heard most languages besides english. Went whale watching. The naturalist said it was the best whale watching trip he took in the past year. He goes two times a day everyday. The whales were dancing with each other, breaching over and over again, and were about 10 feet away from the boat. It seriously takes your breath away. I made friends with a bum who tried to over me to pop pills. We went to museums that had some original artifacts no where in the world has. We went hiking. Climbed to the top of bunker hill. Saw the Boston Tea party ship. Saw the madness of the hard core Red Sox fans. Went to the gravestones of some of the greatest American writers of our time. Went to an awesome aquarium. It was overcast and cloudy. Not that humid.

Then we came back to 104 degree dry weather. And an 8-5 job. And no dunkin donuts or old brick buildings.

I miss the east coast more than I can say and more than I EVER imagined thinking. I never in my life thought I would want to move from California. I thought maybe I could do Seattle. But this East Coast thing is starting to top the list.