I love grad school.

The moments in undergrad that I liked best is what ALL of grad school consists of. I honestly could not be happier than I am now. I love school so much and never want it to end. I know it just started, but this is what life is about.

Screw working 8-5. Seriously, I know this is what I love. This is where I want to be. Grad school is harder than hell and half the stuff I heard today was over my head, but this is where I want to invest my energy and this is what I want to wrap my thoughts around.

Today was a perfect day. A long day. A draining day. I am getting sick, but the sickness was enveloped with passion.

today is one of the best days of my life.

This morning I had butterflies thumping in my stomach. The conference that I have been organizing for the past few weeks was to take place. Not only was everything on my shoulders, but this was a conference for professors.

Not only did my butterflies fly for the conference, but I am worried sick about my Bunia. We think her cancer has returned. Today she went to see the dr. then she will probably be referred. I took her to lunch yesterday and she told me how everyday she is stressed and she can't stand my cousins loud metal music all day long anymore. If she does have cancer I am so worried she is not strong enough to fight it. Her immunity is down because of her stress. I hate to think that she might be sick. Out of everyone she deserves to live so much longer and not live in a life full of stress with my mental cousin.

The conference went wonderfully, as planned with no mishaps. I felt like a student for the first time in over a year. I read a play, did homework, went to my office, ran into Jodi on campus, and made sure the conference was running smoothly. I dreaded the day ending because I don't want to return to the 8-5 shift tomorrow at the city. I really am a student and not someone who can sit at an office all day.

I am dreading to make the call. To find out how the dr. apt. went. My Bunia was on my mind all day. I was on campus being a student, doing what I love most of all, and I kept feeling for her and how she has to sit at a home with people she doesn't want to be around.

The weekend came and went. Palina moved away. It was harder than I thought. I am so excited for her. I am so happy she moved into the dorms so she can get the true college experience, but it feels lonely already. My family is seriously the most important thing to me and ever since I moved back to Davis from Santa Cruz Palina and I really became close. I know we have had our rough times and I was the unfair older sister at times, but over the years she is the closest sibling to me.

For the first time in my life I feel like I am growing up. For the longest time I felt like I was holding on to youth. Yes I got a college degree, Birthdays passed, I moved from home, and found a full time job, but it still felt comfortable. I always felt my childhood, my memories, my family was always just a block away. Now that Palina moved away for the first time it hit me. We are getting older. Going home will feel more empty. My parents will feel older. Everything feels more like the past.

I think it will be easier to move away now. It still won't be easy. But for some reason until now, I felt like I was not done with Davis, my family, and mostly building and fixing the relationship I had with Palina. These past four years have really made up for it all though. We still have so much ahead of us and so much we have to do. but this feels like a big step.

Today I was so tired with my office job. I felt like everything in my life had to change. During lunch I walked across the street to campus and sat in my new office in the english department for the first time. I know. A whole block. But it felt like a change. I sat at my new desk, zoned out, and ate coffee house food. It felt like time was changing. It was hard to drag myself back to my city desk.

I seriously cannot stop thinking about how cool college will be for Palina. I hope she lives it to the best of her abilities: studies hard, makes connections, and has fun, fun fun. College was the best time of my life. If I could go back I would repeat it over and over again. Each time at a different universities that is :) I am jealous she is just starting her college years and I cannot wait to visit her.

There are mornings I wake up and all I crave is a dunkin donut. I wonder why they would never work on the west coast. Probably, because here we have Starbucks on every corner. Oh, what I would do for a pumpkin donut this morning. If only they could ship them.

I am almost back to my old self. I can tell, because Jaime's good behavior is returning and the weather is getting cooler. Being sick was no fun. For the most part. The good thing about being sick is that I could sit in bed all day and read the whole last book of Harry Potter. I felt like all the kids who got it at midnight and pulled an all nighter to read the last bit of magic from JK Rowling. The only difference was that I got paid sick time to sit and bed and read with a fever.

When I am sick it is almost impossible to kill time on the computer or TV. Which is a good thing. It forced me to read. It reminded me how much I love and need to read more. Our lives depend on too much TV and internet. I am guilty of it, as much as I don't agree with it. I go to work 8-5, come home, think I will watch one show on the telly, and than hours later I drag myself to bed only to repeat the same thing the next day. What kind of life is that? This past week I have been coming home and reading instead of gluing myself to a screen. It makes me feel better. Somehow there is no remorse when you loose your time in the pages of a book. It only reiterates to me, that I want to create that magic for people to read.

Everyone at the city now know I am going back to grad school. They are all so sad, but tell me I will owe them a signed copy of my first book. One coworker told me she knew I wouldn't last long at an office job, because I am smarter than that. It just made me feel good. Knowing I have that support and faith that I can do this. And I am choosing to do the right thing. I cannot wait till school starts. I am on fire and ready to indulge in reading and writing.

The heat this past week has made up for the mild Davis summer we have had this year. Jaime has been unruly. He wants to sleep all day, because it is over 100 degrees outside. Then when it is cool in the evening he barks non-stop and is eating everything possible: flip flops, pens, Lisa's expensive heels, tennis balls. EVERYTHING. I try to take him outside but he is too hot to walk and it defeats the purpose.

On top of that I got the flu on my three day weekend. Having a fever during a heat storm is my version of personal hell. Today I called in sick. Decided to rest and get better. These past few days I have been experiencing mirages of the cooler north east coast.

I was contacted by a professor this last week with another job offer. She is the director of the university writing program. She said she saw my file and received a personal recommendation from one of my undergraduate professor's. I went in and met her. She offered me an office, $23 hr pay, and a job working with faculty across departments(My mind twirled with the possibility of multiple university connections). The job is 10 hours a week. Flexible. I set my own hours. Pretty much I am the student PR for conferences. I will be the one making copies, registering faculty, taking care of catering, and the such. I accepted the offer. I am really excited. The first conference I am organizing is on September 24th.

This job came at the perfect opportunity. City of Davis said I have no choice but to resign from permanent employee status. My supervisor was trying not to cry, because she does not want to loose me. But due to the politics there is no way they can add another 50% person. I wrote my first letter of resignation and kissed my benefits goodbye. I got teary eyed too, but at the same time it was such a big relief. I hate making decisions. If I had to choose between the city and the university it would kill me. I like it better when decisions are made for me, even when they are difficult. I will be still working at the city. Picking up extra hours as a temp. when needed. This way I don't loose my connections there. Just in case. My parents are going to kill me that I gave up my benefits. I have not told them yet. But I am only 23. I have a lifetime ahead of me and tons of opportunities. I feel like this is the right hand to play at the perfect time.

It is funny how as soon as I stop stressing about life and let go of some control, everything falls in place. I am a strong believer in letting fate, karma, whatever you want to call it take control. Even though it is hard to just "go with the flow" I always seem to have things dropped in my lap when I am not pushing, pushing, pushing. Look at grad school for example. When I wanted it most I was rejected. Then when I reapplied and let go of the thought: "If I don't get this I will die," it happened. And it happened better with the 2nd time around. Look at all of these job offers. I am just learning, as I get older, that I need to keep working hard but stop stressing, stop trying to control everything...it all will happen. I will be rewarded for my hard work. I just need to breath, let go, and wait the for the opportunities to come to me.