I've got some sort of presence

3:28 PM at 3:28 PM

Yesterday was a shitty day. I had a student yell and belittle the whole class, calling them racists. It was one of those moments when I was caught off guard as a teacher, because the student perceived a comment from another student totally wrong. It flipped some personal switch for her and the ranting and raving came. Its one of those moments when I sat there silently wishing I didn't have to be a teacher. Then afterwards I felt incredible guilt, like I let the class down. It sucked. Big Time.

Then today I had a pop-reading quiz in my own class and realized I read the wrong stories so there went that.

I don't have time. I really don't, but I have been taking Sam and Jaime hiking everyday. I sit and let them swim in the creek and watch all the birds and enjoy the spring flowers. Yesterday I saw a Kite. Today I saw a red-tail hawk and an egret. I feel so alone out in nature by myself and it is one of the most rewarding experiences ever. It's very meditative and soothing to my mental well-being. It grounds me in my chaotic life.

I came home and got my review from the class observation last week...

"I thought your ENL 5F class on 3/5 went fairly well. I'd reviewed your syllabus prior to my visit and thought it quite sound, and I was pleased with your overall performance the first time you're doing the class. I was especially impressed with your presence in the classroom, and leading questions such as "What's at stake for the character?" prompted some serious class attention and good response."

The suggestion for my teaching was try to find a way to get the whole class to talk. I had 8 students or so doing most the talking and then the quiet ones. I don't know how to get them to talk. It's hard for me to think of ways besides calling on them which is so elementary school. They're adults. I told them if they don't talk their grade will suffer...The way I see it: they make their own choices. I mean I am open to getting everyone to talk, but I don't know how else to do it.

I keep on seeing/hearing this word "Presence" when I teach. I wonder what it means and how this reflects me as a person. I would never have guessed that I would have such a presence. I feel like I am a quiet person.

Thank god I was not observed yesterday during the whole debacle.

Celebration of Time Changes

10:44 AM at 10:44 AM

We celebrate time passing for new years...so why don't we celebrate the change- loss or addition- of time for Daylight Savings? I think we should.

This last week was my most stressful week of the quarter. I didn't realize how stressed out I was until Thursday night when I came home and crashed out and slept through my alarm that was going off for an hour straight without my knowledge. Really even though I was stressed, I didn't have time to worry about it because I was so busy.

I turned in 5 stories for my thesis collection. 2 of them were new stories.

I went and watched a oral thesis defense to see how these things go since I will be defending mine in May. It freaked me out more to see it. It made it more real and less of a denial thing.

Then for the first time in my life I lectured to a lecture hall. I had to take a crumble of a xanax for that one. I mean I would have preferred a drink, but 9am was too early to kick back the bottle. It went well though. The whole lecture was 50 minutes and it went by so fast. The TA in the class, a fellow grad student, told me I was "Fierce." Then Yiyun Li, the professor of the class who was gone the day I lectured, told me a student came to see her in office hours and was "gushing" about the lecture.

Then on Thursday my class was observed by the department. I felt good about it. Of course my students went a little off topic at one point...debating if marijuana makes you feel "chill" or "paranoid." I had to get them back on track....but the observer was laughing. Which is a good thing. It was a moment when everyone was laughing. So I think he saw how comfortable I run my classroom. I do like my students and have two more classes to teach. I will miss them. As the quarter has gone on I really have grown attached to them.