I've got some sort of presence

Yesterday was a shitty day. I had a student yell and belittle the whole class, calling them racists. It was one of those moments when I was caught off guard as a teacher, because the student perceived a comment from another student totally wrong. It flipped some personal switch for her and the ranting and raving came. Its one of those moments when I sat there silently wishing I didn't have to be a teacher. Then afterwards I felt incredible guilt, like I let the class down. It sucked. Big Time.

Then today I had a pop-reading quiz in my own class and realized I read the wrong stories so there went that.

I don't have time. I really don't, but I have been taking Sam and Jaime hiking everyday. I sit and let them swim in the creek and watch all the birds and enjoy the spring flowers. Yesterday I saw a Kite. Today I saw a red-tail hawk and an egret. I feel so alone out in nature by myself and it is one of the most rewarding experiences ever. It's very meditative and soothing to my mental well-being. It grounds me in my chaotic life.

I came home and got my review from the class observation last week...

"I thought your ENL 5F class on 3/5 went fairly well. I'd reviewed your syllabus prior to my visit and thought it quite sound, and I was pleased with your overall performance the first time you're doing the class. I was especially impressed with your presence in the classroom, and leading questions such as "What's at stake for the character?" prompted some serious class attention and good response."

The suggestion for my teaching was try to find a way to get the whole class to talk. I had 8 students or so doing most the talking and then the quiet ones. I don't know how to get them to talk. It's hard for me to think of ways besides calling on them which is so elementary school. They're adults. I told them if they don't talk their grade will suffer...The way I see it: they make their own choices. I mean I am open to getting everyone to talk, but I don't know how else to do it.

I keep on seeing/hearing this word "Presence" when I teach. I wonder what it means and how this reflects me as a person. I would never have guessed that I would have such a presence. I feel like I am a quiet person.

Thank god I was not observed yesterday during the whole debacle.