Today I turned in my thesis.

There is nothing like holding a big ol' stack of 162 pages in your hand and thinking, "Dang, I wrote all that?" 162 pages, 11 stories, all about California in one way or another. I brought maps into my thesis. There is a map of all the counties in California in the table of contents, then next to the title of each story there is the piece of california the county makes up. It's like a puzzle. I liked the visual and thought it added nicely to the whole idea of people feeling confined in their place based on their role in the community.

Last night I finished typing it and took Jaime outside to pee before bed. I was waiting for him to finish and looked up in the sky. At that exact moment a HUGE ball of fire or a shooting star shot through the sky. It was huge, probably the biggest shooting star I have seen in my life. I smiled and thought, damn this better mean good things.

I walked to the front of my creative writing class and handed my thesis to my chair person. She looks at me and goes how does it feel? I tell her it feels like I need a long nap. Then all my classmates clap. It made me feel good. I love community and knowing you've got people supporting you.

Now I am going to Mendocino to take a weekend to rest. Then I need to start preparing for the defense which is in less than 2 weeks.

Thesis writing is coming to a close. It is due this Thursday. I now have a title for my book. It makes me feel like all the stories are coming together as a whole.

Picnic day yesterday. Fun party at the Chordas' house, of course. Saw old friends, new friends, and family. I drank for 14 hours straight and had a rough day today, but managed to revise a story.

In between writing and drinking I have conversations online with my mom. Most our conversations deal with big issues and topics. They are probably the most amusing thing in this world:


Melissa: jesus is judgmental

Tanya: you think?

Melissa: of course
thats why certain people make it to hell and some to heaven

Tanya: i think nature just recycles us no matter what and the spirit thing lives on in some people's minds like a ghost
what religion would it be

Melissa: mother earth

Tanya: oh that's a good religion
lets start a church: Chordas church
first oficial meeting: Indians Ca
we can be a cult

Melissa: who would be the leader

Tanya: sacrifice meat chickens at the indians
pop he can kill
I really like it, I have a religion now.

I've been bad...my thesis is due next week, this is why. My reading (last post) went well. I had three beers and half a margarita before hand, so my nerves were calm and I came across confident.
Now the thesis defense. I am freaked out. I suddenly am doubting my writing skills and worry about being failed. The last two days I feel like breaking down and crying at any given moment. I just have to stay calm. May 4th I defend and my degree is decided. I hate this pressure. Everytime I get in the car to drive I have the urge to just get on the freeway an not return. It is ironic that all the stories in my thesis/collection are about characters who want to escape and here I am faced with the same feeling. Maybe if I leave and then write a good paper to my committee explaining my reasoning and how it ties into my writing they will give me the degree.

Here is pretty much how I feel, a chat I had with my mom...

Melissa
I want to just take the car and pack it with food and drive
and see where I end up
without any plans
or maps

Tanya
no no car limits you to this continent, this continent is not best

Melissa
I know, but you can park the car and then fly
with the right amount of xanax

So I got busy and stopped writing. I spent the rest of March grading my students, dealing with students arguing grades, deciding teaching isn't worth the stress of grading, hiking, eating good food, getting chicks for my parents back yard, and revising my thesis. Oh and dealing with my own crashing computer, which means I need to get a new one. So yeah, I was busy. I edited about 50 pages of my 130-140 page thesis. I feel like I am getting closer, but don't want to graduate.

The new qrt., my last qrt, started this week. I taught my new class on Tuesday. Tomorrow I teach again. It is so much better and I feel a little bit more positive about teaching now. Tomorrow I also have my writing workshop, my last one with one of my all time favorite professors. And then tomorrow evening I am giving my first ever reading. I am terrified, petrified, and all together horrified. I don't like to read things I wrote, especially to a large crowd in an auditorium with a microphone. (I have a fear of microphone's and when there was the possibility of getting one for Katie's wedding I begged her not too). I hope I don't faint. My story, that I am reading, is 9 pages long. I will try to shorten it tonight, some how. Ahhh!!! Terrified. Also, to make matters worse, all the recruits for next year will be there...so it puts more pressure on me to represent the program. And it also means the professors will be there.
Here are some pictures from Spring Break:

Will post later...my computer crashes everytime I try posting one picture.