Mr. Brown Dog

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things ever. I had to make the decision to put my childhood dog to sleep. Saying goodbye was harder than hell, but I knew it was the right time.

Mr Brown was named after the Rasta Song: Mr Brown is a Clown. His brown dreadlocked curls bounced with spunk through our home for almost 17 years. He was born in our house Friday, the 13th of December 1991 and he died withe the same family, July 4, 2008. The little guy had such a long lived, stress-free, and loving life. There is no doubt in my mind that he lived it to the fullest, it is just so hard to say goodbye.

For the past few years he has been getting worse. He lost his sight, he was deaf, he peed and pooped all over the house. The dog hung on to life and he loved food. On the 3rd he stopped eating and drinking. He couldn't really stand up anymore. He was peaceful and liked to sleep when you pet him. We were hoping he would just fall asleep and die peacefully. On Thursday night I spent 4 hours just sitting by him and petting him while he slept. Yesterday morning I went back to my parents house and things turned for the worse. He was whimpering more and he looked to be in the first stages of suffering. I looked into his eyes and I knew he wanted to feel better. He was so scared and it killed me to watch him when he started barking his little raspy bark. My mom and dad drove me to the vet with Brownie and I hugged him the whole time. I knew this was what I had to do. I held the little guy wrapped in my arms and told him I love him so much while the vet gave him the shot. He lifted his chin up on my shoulder to tell me everything felt better now and he died in my arms.

I hugged him all the way back to my parents house where we buried him in the back yard with his buddy Pablo Dog.

I am going to miss Brownie so much. I feel guilty like I wasn't there for him these past few years and I just left him at my parents. I knew he was happy there. He loved the Chordas house, but I still think back and wonder if I should have gone and spent more time with him, hold him, tell him that I always loved him and he was my number one dog. Did he think I just left him and didn't care any more? Did he start to get worse when I moved out of the house years ago because he missed me? When did he stop coming to greet me at the door when I came over? Then I felt guilty about Jaime. Why did I get another dog when I still had my Brownie. I hope Brownie never thought I was trying to replace him. I wish I took more pictures of him. Of course when something we love dies we question things and wonder what if I did this or thought this, but it is hard not too.

Before I left for college Brownie was my buddy. He was there everyday by my side. He followed me from room to room. He slept curled at the foot of my bed. I remember when I lived in the dorms at Santa Cruz one of the things missed most about home was feeling Brownie curled against my feet. That security, that emptiness was so hard. I hope it wasn't so hard for him as it was for me. He even curled up in the bathroom when I took a shower. That dog was loyal. He was always there for me when I needed him. In high school, when I thought I didn't have anyone to trust or talk to, I talked to my Brown dog. I know he understood.

He loved the beach so much and liked to be buried to the head. When I was in 9th grade in Drama we did the Wizard of Oz. I wrote a letter to the school asking if my little dog could be Toto. They let him and the Davis Enterprise wrote an article about him. The play was the highlight of his life. He would get so excited about going up onto stage and riding in Dorothy's basket.

My Brown dog was my childhood. His death feels like closure. A true end to an era. I found all my dairies from when I was 8 and how everyday I wrote about my puppy. I found all the pictures of Brownie always there, always part of our childhood games and life. It is so hard to think I won't see his brown eyes every-time I come by my parents' house. It is so hard to think back to the Vet's yesterday and knowing it was the final goodbye. He was 16 1/2 years old. There was no question he lived his life, but every ending is always hard and it is so hard to say goodbye to something you loved so much.