I'm a terrible terrible blogger that never updates. I feel like facebook status' have become an easy way to share/express my feelings in a few sentences every day. I try to update those every day, but I should also really keep to this blogging thing. It is good to practice writing that I am beginning to miss for the first time since Grad School. I think I needed a break from those deadlines and pressure to really enjoy it again. I met my good creative writing friend from Grad School yesterday. We had coffee and talked about writing. One of her short stories is a finalist for a competition- I am so proud of her...but we made a new years pact. Our pact is that we will write ten pages a month (to think we used to do it per week!) and meet for coffee and "workshop" each other's peices. Both of us will be writing our first novels. I have had a YA novel idea in my head since Sep. 2008. I hope this forces me to finally write it. But here I am updating my blog because a) I felt like writing for once and b) I am inspired and feel like I should write in J.D. Salinger's honor today. His death hit me harder than I thought. I can't think of someone who I never met and who died hit me hard like this one. It's been on my mind all day and as I have been thinking about it all my memories started coming back to me.

I remember the first time I picked up Catcher in the Rye. I was 16 years old and my english teacher told us it is a controversial book that our high school was at the time trying to ban. I felt like a rebel reading it. I felt like I was breaking rules through books and stories instead of alcohol and drugs like a lot of my peers. I wasn't depressed like holden caulfield but I connected to his sarcastic sense of life and felt a writer's awakening within myself. I understood symbolism for the first time. And when we were assigned to write an essay on the book my english teacher pulled me aside and told me it would be fine if I wrote a short story in Holden Caulfield's voice. I want to say that I wrote my first story because of this book. But that's not true. I was writing stories before I could spell. But I can say that this book did teach me how to being dissecting stories and learning how they are written. I became passionate of understanding what everything meant in stories. This book made me laugh and connect to the pains of the character. It made me understand atheism. Most importantly, Catcher in the Rye inspired me and it still does. I read JD Salinger's Franny and Zoe and some short stories, but the personal connections I had with Catcher in the Rye still make it my favorite. J.D Salinger is an amazing talented artist that will not be forgotten.



"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be." - J.D. Salinger

Sierra Nevada should have hired me as a sales rep. I guess I might be pretty good at convincing people about certain things. I get excited about recommending beer to perplexed strangers in the beer aisle at the grocery store, convincing ten people they should come with me on an off the beaten path trip to Costa Rica (all planned by me who never went there and didn't know what to expect), convincing people what art supplies would be best for them (sometimes I miss my job at the hobby craft), and convincing a friend it is a good idea to stick a raw hop bud in your mouth (only to loose all aspect of taste for the next hour or so). Now I can add convincing an editor to read my story to the list. I could say another one bites the dust, but for some reason I am just happy I was able to somewhat sell myself in my cover letter. I have always dreaded queries and cover letters, so getting some positive and individual response on that sort of made my day. Are rejection letters supposed to do that? Are they supposed to be this nice?
I guess rejection isn't as bad as I thought or maybe I am just hopelessly positive:

Dear Melissa,

Thanks so much for giving us the opportunity to read your work. We are humbled to be receiving so much great work this early in our existence.

Based on your cover letter, I\'d say we had a whole lot in common. I have also done a great deal of traveling and stare at maps endlessly...and also plan vacations I know (at least unconciously) I\'ll never take. Anyway, I\'d say on Burning the Buttes that you have a great first paragraph. It engages the reader and sets high expectations for the story, which I didn\'t feel quite lived up to those expectations. Sorry to disappoint, but anyone who loves maps is welcome to submit here anytime.


Thanks again,
M.E. Parker, Editor
Camera Obscura Journal

I hate our health care system. Seriously. So I was sick, getting better and went to the doctor. She told me to rest and drink fluids but I am on the road to recovery. It cost me $88 to hear something I already knew. I got better. And then fell down the deep end again. Sunday night I had body aches, and my chest felt like someone was pushing down a bag of bricks on it. Monday morning I woke up with my sheets soaked and pajamas soaking with sweat. I took my temperature and had a fever. It semi-freaked me out, because I have never broken out in a sweat like this. I took IBprofin and felt fine. I went to work and worked a 7 hour shift and went out with my friends at night. I felt normal, besides my cough and sometimes uncomfortable pressure on my chest. I wish I could just be normal. I hate feeling these things and also feeling like I can't go to the doctor because I might be sent home with nothing but a high bill. This morning Lisa woke me up worried because she saw something on H1N1 that said if symptoms subdue but then return as a fever and cough call the doctor immediately. It sort of freaked me out. I went onto the CDC website which stated an emergency symtom is when a cough and fever returns. I found a way to email my doctor which was free but limited to 500 words. She got back to me right away and said if a fever persists come into the office. But I don't have a fever today. Should I go? I feel fine enough. My chest is a little tight with a cough. Why does all of this happen to me now. When my health insurance is shitty. If I knew I would only have a small co-pay I would go. Do you see what this healthcare system is doing to people? When they might actually need to see the doctor they dont. It really is a health care system for rich people. I hate it.

I was on the phone with my insurance company (blue shield) for almost an hour yesterday. They just frustrate me and by the end of the phone call I wanted to tell them to "fuck off."

On top of being sick my doctor wants me to get an echocardiogram for a heart murmor. This is pretty much the only thing that came out of my $88 doctor's apt. Oh but the echocardiogram costs $2000 unless insurance covers it. Since I have a pretty much emergency plan I called insurance yesterday to find out how I can switch to a plan that will cover the test. They told me none of their plans will because it is pre-existing. I tell them well they have been my insurance company since I was a baby and just because I am on my own plan and not my parents now, that doesn't mean I have been on their company. THey have received insurance money for me my whole life. How can this be pre-existing and they wont cover it, if they are the only ones who have covered me?! Seriously. Idiots.

I just want to get better. It is so frustrating when you feel fine enough, but not normal enough. I can't stand resting. I need to do things. I started running this last weekend (probably not a good idea since I still had a cough) but it is something I am excited about and want to do. I need to work so I can make money to pay the health insurance companies that wont completely pay for me. It is such a terrible cycle. Our government is so screwed up in many ways. I think I just need to not stress about it. The more I stress, the worse I get. If I am positive I'll recover, right?

This weekend Mendocino! I am super excited and hope for lots of mushrooms.

So much for flu shoots...I'm sick as a dog. Congestion, muscle aches, chills, cough, shortness of breath...the whole shabang. It better just be a cold and not swine flu. The muscle pains and shortness of breath scare me the most. And I have not had a beer for 48 hours...something is def. not right with me. :)

Besides working 70 hours over the last two weeks and getting sick, I also walk dogs. Mostly my morning dog walks contain strolls and ball throwing around the neighborhood. Like today. Since I wasn't feeling too hot I had to make my way through the streets. I tell Jaime to "leave it" and sam to "heel." A woman watches me from her front porch and tells me "You are talking to them like they are two year olds." I reply, "There isn't much of a difference between two year olds and dogs." She didn't reply to that. Perhaps she thought I was crazy. Little does she know I work with a bunch of two years olds (and like kids, don't mean it as degrading human kind) and my dogs are like my children.

Yesterday when I was feeling slightly ill, but better than today I took the dogs for a morning walk out by putah creek near the University airport. I love this area of davis because the creek is clear, you can't hear cars, and there is nature around you. I usually can't walk the dogs here during the months of April-October, because of foxtails...so yesterday was their first walk there since March. While walking them in the morning I noticed 4 tiny kittens playing on the trail right next to the parking lot. I thought it odd that they just stayed in the parking lot. If they were feral cats they would be more off the trail and deeper in nature. It just didn't seem right. They were all fancy colors too- bright orange and black calico, gray with tan stripes. They looked domesticated to me. I walked the dogs and they were still there, in the parking lot, waiting. No mother cat was in sight. I went to work and kept thinking of them. I am not a cat person by any means but these kittens really called to me. I took an hour off work and went back, without dogs, to go and find them. They were still there. Same spot. I tried picking them up but they ran...not far...they kept on staying near the parking lot. I couldn't get close enough to grab them. I went back to work and told my mom and Reagan. They were so tiny and helpless out there. During our lunch breaks the three of us go back. We figure three people might have a chance to catch them. No luck. These kittens are frisky. They watch us and run into bramble, then come back out. Third time out and no luck. We start calling feral cat society and the SPCA. No one can help because of budget cuts. I just stay at work and worry about them as it gets darker. They are so helpless and tiny. They don't know nature and the wild. At 6pm my mom and I leave work and say well let's just see if they are still out there. We drive through utter darkness and sure enough we can see their little ears and eyes waiting in the parking lot. Over 12 hours and they stayed in the same place. There is also a fox that runs by. First time I saw a fox in Davis and the kittens are perfect pray for it. We decide at this point we need nets, food, crate. The hunt continues.

The 5th time out to try and catch the cats (I can't help at this point because the sickness hits and hard)...but Reagan and Lisa are sucessful. They catch one by throwing a blanket over it. They patiently wait for 2 and a half hours before catching it. The others get away.

All day I think about the remaining kittens and worry. After work I drive back out there and there is no sign of them. I hope they were caught by another friendly citizen and not eaten by foxes. I am angry at the idiots who just dumped them out there.

On a positive note as I was walking to work today I found $33 on the ground. I felt guilty taking the money but after an effort of looking around, couldn't find the owner. I figured this was meant to be. It's called karma. This must be what I get for helping helpless kittens for hours.

The one that made it and went to the vet today:

Here is a pretty funny email forward (I usually don't like email forwards or spend time reading them) from one of my friends....rules- just by looking at the name of the beer choose the one you would pick at a bar/party/home. Then read the description...it is supposed to describe your personality. I would choose a craft beer and I'd say it describes my personality pretty dead center.


BUDWEISER
True to form, Bud drinkers are sensible, grounded and practical. They are the polar opposite of daydreamers and don't easily get carried away. These beer drinkers also don't like authority—can anyone say union?—and are emotionally steady people who live in the here and now. However, what may be a bit surprising is that people who prefer Bud can also be very spontaneous and tend not to do much advance planning.

Budweiser drinkers are 42% more likely to drive a truck than the average person, 68% more likely to choose a credit card with flexible payment terms and 42% more likely to use breath-freshening strips every day.



BUD LIGHT
Are Bud Light drinkers just Bud guzzlers on a diet? Not a chance. Bud Light personalities actually skew quite different from their more-caloric sibling. Keep in mind, this was the beer choice for President Barack Obama during his so-called "Beer Summit" this summer when he invited police officer James Crowley and Harvard professor Henry Gates over to the White House for a beer and a make-up chat. (The cop chose Blue Moon and the professor selected Red Stripe.)

Bud Light drinkers profile as lacking in carefulness. They are grounded like their Bud brethren, but respect authority. Bud Lighters can also have frat boy-like personalities, particularly when it comes to personal risk-taking. In regard to others, these good-time guys and gals are accepting of most everyone and generally easy to get along with.

Bud Light drinkers are also 48% more likely than the average person to play the lottery every day and 34% more likely to never buy organic products.



MICHELOB ULTRA
Have you seen the 2008 TV spot that's still on about the hip, handsome young male executive dashing out of a meeting to put on running gear? He meets up with an equally fetching athletically garbed woman for an inner-city run before both magically change into trendy threads and hit a fabulously decorated rooftop-bar party with even more young and beautiful friends—all drinking Michelob Ultra, of course. Every personality trait Mindset Media came up with appears there.

Michelob Ultra drinkers rate high in superiority; that is, they think highly of themselves and can be a little bit conceited. They care what other people think about them and want to appear perfect. They also tend to be take-charge types with strong opinions, and can even be confrontational. Michelob Ultra drinkers are 43% more likely than the average person to consider sustainability a priority, and 34% more likely to buy life insurance.



CORONA
"Where's the party?" is probably an oft-asked question by Corona and Corona Light drinkers. They are busy and energetic people who are also extremely extroverted. They're people persons who seek out the company of others whether in a group or just one-to-one. Corona drinkers do more and see more people in one day than most people see in a week. But the life-of-the-party Corona drinkers also have an altruistic side; they care deeply about other people and see themselves as giving and warm.

Corona drinkers are 91% more likely than average to buy recycled products and 38% more likely to own three or more flat-screen TVs.



HEINEKEN
There's a slang term that could sum up Heineken drinkers: posers. These self-assured people believe they are exceptional, get low scores on modesty and high scores on self-esteem. They love their brand badges—a role the distinctive green glass bottle may play—and in fact, this group is attracted to luxury products in general. They are also energetic and dynamic and enjoy being both the center of attention and in the middle of the action.

People who choose Heineken as their favorite beer are 58% more likely to have American Express cards, 45% more likely to be early adopters of new mobile phones, and 29% more likely to drive sports cars.



BLUE MOON
The personality traits of people who prefer Blue Moon, a Belgian style wheat beer, tracked similarly to the same type of people who prefer craft beers—which means Blue Moon drinkers probably don't know it's a Molson Coors Brewing Co. family product made in Colorado.

Blue Moonies are socially liberal and usually quite willing to go against convention. They really hate moral authorities, and believe children should be exposed to moral dilemmas and allowed to come to their own conclusions. They can also be sarcastic and snide in order to get a point across.

People who drink Blue Moon beer are 105% more likely than the average person to drive hybrid cars, 77% more likely to own Apple Mac laptops, 65% more likely to purchase five pairs or more of sneakers every year, and 32% more likely to not be registered voters.


CRAFT BEERS
These specialty made beers get lumped into one category both because there are fewer fans (and thus less statistically significant data) of them, but also because the personalities of one type fairly well describe another. This group is more likely to spend time thinking about beer rather than work. They are more open-minded than most people, seek out interesting and varied experiences and are intellectually curious. Craft-beer drinkers also skew as having a lower sense of responsibility—they don't stress about missed deadlines and tend to be happy-go-lucky about life.

Craft-beer lovers are 153% more likely to always buy organic, 52% more likely to be fans of the show "The Office" and 36% more likely to be the ones to choose the movie they are going to see at the theater.


ABSTAINERS
It probably doesn't take a psychographic profile to discover that those people who refuse to drink beer at all don't like to loosen up very much. They are socially conservative and see many issues as black and white. Teetotalers honor tradition and authority and prefer a less-hectic social life.

It is funny how when you are young you impatiently count the days till your next Birthday, but when you get older you start to count how many days you have left before you have to add another year to your age. I can't really tell when or what year it is that I started not really thinking Birthdays are a big deal. I get excited about Christmas and the holidays more so than my birthday (I look forward to lots of family, good food, and drink). This year I am counting the days to Palina's Birthday (big 21!) and didn't for my own. There is just a point in your life when your birthday doesn't feel like the birthday's and excitement you had as a kid. I don't mean to sound down and depressed about it, because I am not. I just like to have a low-key day doing the things I like best. Which is exactly what I did this year.

I woke up at exactly 2:50 am on my Birthday morning. Totally by accident and I don't usually ever wake-up in the middle of the night. I looked at the clock and thought, 26 years ago I was only 4 minutes old. Crazy how I woke up at almost the exact time I was born. I always love moments like this and think they are special- things happen for a reason. After combing my hair in the dark for any gray hair, I crashed out again until the actual morning...when I was awaken by my favorite Peets Coffee Pumpkin spice latte and a new season of Weeds on DVD from Lisa. For those of you who don't know...Weeds is my all time favorite show and has BRILLIANT writers.

I took Wednesday off work, along with Lisa who wanted to take me to Santa Cruz. I really love Santa Cruz and appreciate it so much more that I don't live there anymore. Every time I visit I explore places I never knew existed when I was living there. We started the day by enjoyed nature in Henry Cowell Redwood State Park. I love the smell of redwoods and the ferns that grow underneath them. Being in the redwood forest reminded me how much I love nature and depend on it to be happy. I walked through the forest and realized one thing that is good about older (non kid) birthdays is that you can walk through nature and appreciate it, this life, that I have and was given because of my parents. The forest was practically empty (thanks to it being a work-day in the middle of the work-week) which was nice. We only ran into a few deer here and there.

After a few hours of hiking we made our way to Seabright Brewery for lunch and beer tasting. I had the Pelican Pale Ale which is the brewey's signature brew. It was probably the weirdest pale ale I have ever had. Very straw-like and it had a hoppy kick to it. It tasted like a wheat beer with extra hops. It was odd. Not a mixture I was expecting. Of course the Blur was what won my heart. The brewery describes it as: "A tradition IPA. Although golden in color this is not a light beer. With more than 65 bittnerness units its got a bite to it. This is a very agressive tasting beer." It was delicious and went really nicely with my black bean burger and fries. I ended up buying my first growler filled with it to bring home to share with my Pop. It is always amusing to me when I buy the most hoppy beer and the reactions I get. The waitress asked me if I wanted a smaller size? And gave me a look, like are you sure? It is bitter. And it was bitter. A perfect birthday brew.

Bellies full and head spinning a full buzz- Lisa took me to the Teahouse Spa for an hour soak in a hottub with tea and sauna. It was so relaxing and one of my favorite places and memories of Santa Cruz (from when I lived there). Soaking in the tub I felt like this was the most relaxed I ever could be. i also fell in love with their lavendar shampoo that is locally made in Santa Cruz.

After the hottubs we had to go back to the brewery, because in my buzzed state I realized I forgot my sunglasses there. Found the sunglasses and drove to the next brewery...but on the way stopped at the beach. We noticed the beach was empty (no one). This was the most empty I have ever seen the beach in Santa Cruz. So we broke the leash laws and let Jaime run in the waves and dig in the sand. The sky was so clear and the air so fresh. I ran like a kid across the beach and thought age is so over-rated. I felt so lucky to be able to experience my two favorite things in nature all in one day: redwoods and ocean.

We stopped at Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery which was in a warehouse and all local. I was disapointed in their IPA after my Blur. But was excited about the strawberry cupcakes from the bakery next door. We ended our day in Santa Cruz with a stop at Patagonia where I got a new capilene shirt for those cold nights sleeping in the tent. There was a little traffic on the way home, but we amused ourselves by making words out of business signs: Nagina Travels became Vagina Travels. And once again I was reminded I might be 26 but I still have the humor of a junior high kid.

I ended the night having a special dinner with my family (I missed Palina though) and was so excited to see my Pop got me that special Estate brew from Sierra Nevada. Can't wait to try it. It was probably what I wanted most of all.

So even though I am a year older- I am happy to be experiencing and living life. I feel thankful for all the people close to me in my life- friends and family alike. I feel so loved and grateful. Being 25 was a good year- I wrote a thesis, got a masters, had good beer, good laughs, adventures, and went to the motherland, Russia. I grew-up in some ways, I hope, and experienced tons of good times with family and friends. Life is good. I can't wait for another year of memories.

Ever since I have been back from Russia I fell into a sort of funk. I was homesick for a country and place I had a strong connection with. Over the years I have come to know myself as someone who doesn't like change and cannot stand the idea of moving away unless I am completely comfortable with the place. I have felt this comfortableness with very few places in my lifetime-Mendocino, Davis, Seattle, and now Moscow. It is something hard to describe to people and hard for others to understand. I even have a hard time understanding myself- why these places? I mean I travel to Costa Rica, Canada, Boston, and many other places...I love each vacation and trip and place and memories formed from these places, but I never feel a yearning for them like I do for my top favorite places. As a way to try and understand place and why, I have been thinking alot about identies and who are we based on the places we connect to or live in. I mean, luckily, I was able to do a whole thesis on this topic and explore it through creative stories rather than research and academic articles. I was able to create fictional characters to figure out why they do what they do and who they are based on their locations. My thesis and stories allowed me to put my questions and ideas on the page, but conclusions still seem far off, like a journey that may never end until life does. Do we feel connected to the places based on only certain experiences? That doesn't make sense. I mean one of the coolest things I have ever seen in my life were breaching humpback whales (only feet away from a boat) in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Boston. or Oktoberfest in Munich- no party or beer could amount to this event. These experiences have not pushed me to want to live in Boston or Munich. Could it be the homely experiences that bring comfort? Sitting in a Moscow Apt. while it rains outside, with a beer and good music? Or being able to eaisly navigate in the dark through my old room/child-home house in Davis while there is a power-outage? Or listening to the ocean waves while enjoyed a coconut latte at Moodies in Mendocino? Or instead of the small comfortable experiences, could it be the people? Family that is there to take shots of vodka with you in Seattle, or family to go mushroom hunting with in mendocino? This last weekend I went to visit Palina in San Luis Opisbo and I think I really needed to. Ever since spending a few days with my little sister I have felt so much better about being back in California. I remembered how hard it is to be away from people you have a strong connection with. I wished she lived closer to me so we could laugh about the small things in life and enjoy dog expeditions together. So is it the people that allow us to yearn and connect to the places? Or could it be the challenges and outcomes we experience at a place? Like graduating from college (twice) while working harder than ever in my life in Davis? Or learning the small things in Russia- like reading metro signs or ordering a beer in Russian?
Place.
It has to be one of my favorite words, because of all the unanswered questions running through my mind everyday.