You never can stand in the same water twice.

My last day of being 24 and I am exhausted. The last week I have been at the Tomales Bay Writers Conference. There was no time for anything but reading and writing. All my work has been pushed aside, my sleep has been compromised, and now I am "catching up". All my students are emailing asking me when their midterms will be graded. I have not even started on the pile. Sigh.

It is odd to sit here and think this is the only time in my lifetime I will ever be 24 years old. Some author at some point once said something like this.... You can never stand in the same water in your life. He, I remember it being a he (perhaps one of those existentialists), was referring to a creek or river. The water is constantly moving due to the current so when you stand in it, the current rushes by, and within a split second the water will be different-never the same again. Somehow on my last day of being 24 I think of this metaphor. I reflect on life being like a creek or river, the water being time- every living second or moment.

Tomorrow when I wake up I will be 25. There is no stopping time no returning to the past. I'm all ok with this though. You see on Saturday night I had this vivid dream. In my dream I was five months pregnant and I felt the baby kicking for the first time. I could swear to anyone that I can tell you exactly how a baby kicking feels. The dream was probably one of the most vivid experiences I have ever had without ever experiencing the act of pregnancy myself. I woke up and thought I was pregnant, was excited, then realized this is not a possibility since it was time to change my tampon. Then I thought about my dream and about getting older. I had a moment of yearning, a moment of being sad that I am not pregnant. I thought how I am turing 25 and how I am still not published, still not pregnant (my mom was my age when she had me), and still have the whole world to explore.

Then I thought about the river or the creek and the water. I thought how there really isn't anything sad about turning 25. Life moves on. These things that I have not accomplished yet should not be compared to my age. Even if you get older and there are still things you are waiting for, wanting, you need to focus on the current water you are standing in because that moment will never be the same thing again. I might not have a book in my hand, I might not have a baby in my belly, but I have things and have accomplished things that brought me to this moment in the creek. A moment I will never experience again but will add to all the moments that become the river of my life.

So in reflecting back to all the things that happened to me in the 24th year of my life- here are my moments I will remember, the moments that have passed but will allow me to experience the new moments in life- the new currents, the new water that only comes because of what has sped past:

-Mushroom Hunting was a high light of turning 24. I hunted my very first mushrooms on my 24th birthday when I was able to wake up in my favorite place in the whole world: Mendocino. Then later in the year many more successful mushroom hunts followed. Mushroom hunting became one of my favorite hobbies- something that connected me to my cultural heritage, my family, and a place I love.

- I started graduate school and completed a very intense first year. I felt tired all the time but more accomplished than ever in my life. I realized writing is something that makes me feel better than anything else in life. I love every moment of school and am learning more than I ever thought I was capable of learning.

-This last week when I worked with Dorothy Allison, author of Bastard out of Carolina, she told me... Writing is the BEST poverty there is because of the feeling that comes along with it. She then proceeded to tell me that my story was "A Fine Mother Fucking Piece of Work." It confirmed to me that writing is what I am meant to do.

- I celebrated a wonderful holiday time with my family filled with drinking, happiness, jokes, and love

- I went to Napa for the first time in my life and experienced the joys and pitfalls (hangover) of wine tasting.

- I spent some of the best time with my best friend that I have known from childhood. I experienced her lovely and perfect wedding and was able to share so many moments that only reaffirmed to me how perfect our friendship was and has come to

- I went to a wonderful writers conference in Mendocino and met an agent that gave me hope that one day I just might have the material that could become published

- I went to costa rica and had a journey of a lifetime

-I also did two very hard things this year: I learned how difficult it was to say goodbye to members of your family: Pablo's sudden death and then making the decision to put Brown Boy to sleep.

I have had the year of my life. 24 was good. 24 was a year I think I have matured more than ever. I am excited for 25 and I am ready to see what the current has in store for me this year.