Uncertainty & Decision Making are Scary Things

1:58 PM at 1:58 PM

I took the job. For now at least.
I didn't resign the lease for the home I have had for the past five years.

So I made two huge decisions and I don't feel any better. I feel like I made two wrong decisions. I feel like I should have made the reverse choices. I feel hopeless in this uncertain and unknown life that I have no control over yet I have to decide.

I think how when I go grocery shopping I always tend to choose the slowest line...no matter what, even if it looks like the fastest check-out line, it ends up being the slowest. I can never help this. It always happens this way. It is incredibly frustrating and everytime I yell at myself, in my head of course, that I always choose the wrong path.

But then I think...just keep on living life, every moment for what it is...stop trying to think ahead and choose which line is going to be quickest, because once you stop thinking ahead things always fall into place for a reason. Maybe by being in that grocery store line for an extra three minutes you will observe something that means alot or you will realize you forgot something important that you now have time to run and get while your shopping basket holds your place in line.

So I hope. I really hope my decisions will bring the next steps in my uncertain life that are meant to be.

I hate decisions

2:04 PM at 2:04 PM

I really don't like making decisions, yet I face another one that needs to be made in 24 hours. I just went to an interview and walked out with a job offer. I don't know how I do it, but I do. I feel grateful to have a paid opportunity already lined up after graduation when most people don't, especially in the hard economic times. I just wish the job paid more. But then I think I am selfish for complaining since most people don't even have a job.

This job is nothing spectacular: it pays, I make pretty fliers for the city pools, count the money, buy snack bar supplies, and call people about class changes.

The biggest plus though...it's part time leaving me time to search for what I really want to do and apply to other places for September and the schedule is completely flexible. I set my own hours. I mean what more can I ask for?

Well, it's me. So there is always the other side where I start thinking maybe I should use the summer to leave town and do some volunteer job with some cool organization in another country. This is the time in my life to do something like that. But seriously, a paid position-part time-temporary? It's not like I'm locking myself in...Ahhhhh.....What do I do?

I hate decisions.

Signing for a Home

8:57 AM at 8:57 AM

So today Lisa and I have to let our property management know if we will be re-signing our lease for next year. He gave us like one week to figure it out. I mean we knew it was coming...but it seems to early to have to plan for September. By the time September has come around we have lived here 5 years. This place has been our home. It will be so hard to leave it. I hate moving too, especially since there is so much unknown for the future. This last week I know my heart and instinct tells me not to re-new the lease, but whenever I try thinking about it I think I should do it...so I have avoided thinking about it now. My mom told me I can move back home temporarily, so I won't be homeless and I could save money. Ahh...it is such a hard decision- stressful and exciting.
So here are the pros and cons about re-newing....

Pros About Renewing:
-This is a large apt. for a good price
-This is a desirable apt. so if we renewed and then had to leave mid-lease it probably wouldn't be hard subletting
-The location is great
-I hate moving
-We would give up our free cable
-I know I wouldn't be homeless in the fall
-Even though moving into my parents house is always a fall back so I wouldn't be homeless really, it is nice to have my own place and independent space
- I'm attached to this place and consider it home
-If we say no to resigning it would be impossible to change our mind. we had to work hard to get into this place, the wait list is long and giving it up seems like we can never have it back again and I like being able to know I can fall back on what I had

Cons About Renewing:

- I dont have an actual job set-up yet for September, so I would have to use my savings for rent if the economy is still crappy and I don't find work
-Finding a sublet might be stressful and hard given the bad economy and if an opportunity arose for me to leave quickly (a job or worldly experience), I might not have time.
-Moving will force us to simplify and get rid of a lot of crap
-Giving up cable is good, we shouldn't waste so much time watching TV
-My landlord hates Jaime and Jaime wants to kill him...so it is always an issue when he comes over to fix things
-My landlord can be creepy and makes me feel uncomfortable
-It would be good to have nothing set-up for September...it is exciting and forces me to consider getting out of Davis and looking at new opportunities...I will have my Masters and shouldn't fall into this cycle of renewing and staying in a job I am unsatisfied with just to pay rent.

Ahhhhh....what should I do?????

Turning Points

4:39 PM at 4:39 PM

Pretty much my life continues to be filled with days of teaching, planning to teach, and grading students work. When I am not doing any of those things I have been trying to cook more (less frozen Annie's food) and I spend multiple hours a week playing/entertaining/training dogs (Sam and Jaime in particular).

I've been enjoyed this qrt. alot. But...as time gets closer I start freaking out how I have been avoiding my thesis. I do need a break from it. I feel like my heart is in teaching to write at the moment not in writing myself. (There's good and bad with this). At some point I will need to get my butt back into the groove of writing. I feel like I am out of ideas. Any suggestions?

As of teaching. I still get so nervous, but it is getting so much better and I really am starting to love doing it. Right now I have a stack of 40 exercises to grade (I am in the middle of grading but taking a break-hence the blog post). I am so excited though. This is the third exercise from my students and they actually are really improving, taking my suggestions and tips from lessons and applying it to their own work. I feel so proud. I feel like successful parent or something. Today one of my student's came to my office hours to tell me she really is enjoying my class and loves the comfortable atmosphere I have created. She said she has always liked writing but has been way too intimidated to share anything. She has wanted to take this class for over a year but has been to scared, now she is finally doing it and she came to tell me I make her feel like she can actually write. I must say it made me proud.

I just feel happy. It's been a good last three days. First a day-off at the beach with dogs, then the change in leadership yesterday, an inspirational/exciting/ intelligent speech (I watched with my dog and tried telling him once the economy now gets better he will get more toys- I don't think he understood), then a great class last night (I lectured for almost an hour without noticing the time! I usually lecture 20 minutes), and then now reading the students work and talking with one this morning.

I really love inspiring people and offering them advice. I don't like public speaking and could possibly do without the lecturing to large groups. I need to find something where I can be a guider. I like guiding people.


Cupcakes I baked from scratch- vanilla peppermint-coconut




Dogs Playing on Muir Beach on MLK Day








Food from one of my favorite restuarants in the Bay Area




The Dogs Tired after a day at Muir Beach

Teaching Writing

7:48 PM at 7:48 PM

So I have taught twice now. Tomorrow is the third day and there are twenty days total. As much as I am NOT a mathematical person I am starting to visual teaching writing in mathematical diagrams, patterns, and terms. I blame it on my mother who home schooled me and had a very mathematical sense of all things life.

On Tuesday one of my students asked me how do they find a topic or idea for an 8-18 page story (The major requirement of my class-they see ALL things in requirements and grades). And how long should they set aside to write such a daunting thing.

I told my student to look at it like a soduko puzzle. They laughed. Which is good, I want them to laugh. Then I explained that I am going to require a lot of short exercises on given topics (1-3 pages in length). Exercises are going to be like looking through a picture frame and writing what you see. (I like metaphors when teaching and I hope they understand my connections).

When the time comes to write that 18 pager I want them to take all of their exercises and spread them out in a grid on the floor. Next they need to tackle those exercises with a highlighter or multiple colors...and highlight what stands out, what sentences can be part of a larger story, what setting seems right, what is the action and conflict that seems the most tense, and most importantly what character is the most mysterious and interesting. Move your papers around in your "imaginary" grid and form a sequence with your pieces. This will become your story.

Then I listed these writing tips on the board:
1. Start looking around and you will start noticing things (the goal is to make readers notice things about life)
2. Learn to be engrossed by something outside of yourself. (Just like I noticed the robber)
3. Writing is making real or imagined events come alive
4. Writing is about learning to pay attention and to communicate what is going on
5. Don’t worry about doing it right or correctly- just write it down. (Even if it is hard to start writing. Anne Lamott said Starting to write is like having to tell someone some bad news-you are at a loss of words, you sit there staring at a blank screen. Don’t get caught up on this.)
6. Sometimes you have to write three pages to get to a beginning of a story or to that one paragraph that jumps out at you and sparks something bigger. (This is why I am a big fan of exercises-the more you write the more you story you will see)
7. Becoming a better writer is going to help you become a better reader. (Think about why we read? This is important because books help us understand who we are and how we are to behave.)
8. Pay attention to your favorite moments in published short stories (how is an author handling grief on the page? How is the author using dialogue?)

After that it didn't seem so daunting to them. I think they like me. I hope they like me. Tomorrow is day three and I am becoming less nervous and more excited.

First Day Teaching

10:14 AM at 10:14 AM

Today at 4pm I teach my first class. I am getting so nervous. I am excited too, but these last 24 hours have been sort of neurotic. I have found that when I am nervous I can't sleep and instead recite my class plan out-loud over and over and over. Then when I am awake I write and re-type my class plan over and over and over. This repetition allows me to memorize my plan so I don't have to be reading it off a piece of paper and it's a way to release my nerves.

So for the sake of being nervous...I retype my class plan or script once again....

Day One-

Write Name, class number, and email on the board
Write quote on board: “Creative Writing means imaginative writing, writing as an art” Wallace Stegner

Introduce self: Not long ago I was sitting in your place, an undergrad at ucd taking a creative writing class as an elective. One creative writing class turned into another and then another and now I am writing a book. I look at creative writing like an art. It’s like looking at photographs or paintings and putting the pieces together.

In this class you are all going to be artists even if this is just a one time elective or if it becomes a life-long passion.

This is a workshop class. A workshop class is where we learn from each other. As an undergrad and now a graduate student I have learned some of my most valuable skills from my peers. I am not saying professors are not important, I just think there is a lot of value in learning from each other. We all have different perspectives and there is no right or wrong answer. I will be here to guide you throughout the qrt. But you will share your insights and ideas with each other as a way to succeed as observers and writers.

As we begin this qrt. I want to emphasize your role as observers, not just in the classroom but at anytime of the day, anywhere. This last summer I received a grant to travel to Costa Rica and write a story about the culture and people. I visited the most untraveled parts of costa rica. I wanted the real experience where tourists don’t go. I figured if I was going to write about Costa Rica I needed to be experiencing life off the beaten path. I never have been to Costa Rica and I didn’t know any Spanish. In the first few days of my trip I struggled and chipped my front tooth. I thought that would be my story: the struggle of being in a country where you don’t know the language. Then my group experienced a robbery at gun point in the middle of the night in my cabina. Imaging the face of the robber, I realized story is everywhere…not just what happens to me as a person. After the robbery I looked at the country differently. Every face I saw and everyone I met had a story to tell me. I could walk down the dirt roads and look into every open door of a house: women sweeping dirt floors, teenagers taking naps in the door frame, girls writing secrets in notebooks…the stories were everywhere. When I came home I remembered the imagery of the robbers face and I wrote his story.

I’m telling you about this experience because I want to emphasize that story is everywhere: in strange faces, in a sunset, in mysterious houses. You are the storytellers and this quarter you will find the story and learn how to put it on paper.

Since we will be working closely with each other this qrt. I think it is good to learn a little about each one of you. Let’s do some introductions

INTRODUCTIONS

Pass out candy, get into partners, interview, and report back to the class

Hand out Syllabus, show text books, and go over

Now lets talk a little bit about story. What are the basic elements you look for in a story?
Character, conflict, setting, theme, plot, point of view, voice, setting.
With these basics in mind lets look at our first story

Hand out story-read in class

Discussion:
Alexie- Do Not Go Gentle

How does Alexie use emotions in the story?
Uses emotion as a character by giving it a title.

What does this do for you as a reader? How does this add to the story?

What other emotions does Alexie use in the story and what is the purpose as a writer?
He uses anger, pride, grief, shame, humor, love
Alexie uses every emotion as a way to deal with the conflict in the story. This is different than the other parents (seen in the bathroom with the other fathers). These father’s DON’T deal with their emotions by judging the surface of other people. As a writer Alexie puts these men in the story to add contrast. Contrasting characters, emotions, objects add detail to the plot and story. They help the reader understand what the narrator is experiencing without just stating it.
This scene in the bathroom foreshadows the ending/last page of the story: The men in the bathroom are simpleminded while the narrator and his wife take an object and give it multiple meanings and emotions as a way to heal and deal with their son’s illness.
I also really wanted to show you this story today because I think it is a metaphor for beginning writers. Everything in life has a story and multiple meanings. As writers you are the observers, the ones who find stories in objects and people and give them meaning by putting them on the page.

Give Homework

A New Year

11:00 AM at 11:00 AM

After Christmas we went up to Mendocino for New Years and a relaxing week. Time flew by, but it was so much fun. It was warmer in Mendocino than it is in Davis. It rained very little. There were a ton of dogs, drinking, and Chordas merrymaking. We went mushroom hunting and were disappointed by the lack of mushrooms compared to last year. We found a few...



Even though the mushrooms were dismal it was still fun to search for them. Along with catching up on sleep, we had many adventures: I got good at playing pool. We ran from the cops who were searching for us with a spot light on highway 101. We ate lots of good food. We spent time with lots of family and friends (including the Towers family). And we rang in the New Year. It was your typical Chordas vacation. Every time I go to Mendocino it becomes harder to come home. Mendocino really feels like home for me. I really can see myself there...probably not in the village which is unaffordable, but around abouts. Along with perspective jobs at the community college there I also found out they have a publishing house in Fort Bragg- who knew?! So there is hope. I just have to write that dang CV.

I can't believe break is over on Monday. I try to think of New Years Resolutions but am not very good at keeping them. I tend to take things the moment they come. I do know I want to save more money and get a new computer. So the first resolution is a juxtaposition already-proving my point that I am terrible at keeping and making these sorts of things.

I do know that whatever 2009 brings me it will be new and a change. I'm gonna have my masters and should, hopefully, have some idea of what I am going to do with my life.

Instead of thinking forward I like to look back and think about how much was accomplished in 2008:

completing my first year at grad school
writing my first draft of my thesis
working with major writers: Dorothy Allison, James Houston, Yiyun Li
And of course the highlight of the year: COSTA RICA